It's not you. It's me.

Sunday, July 9, 2023 

You may have noticed that your brother, uncle, or son Doug is an odd egg. I'm a hermit, and some people laugh when I say that, but it's not a joke. When I say it's not a joke, people laugh again, ha ha. Laugh if you like, but I'm still not kidding.

Probably I should've gotten counseling 40 years ago, but that ship has sunk. I've grown accustomed to me, and have no interest in changing myself into what others wish I was. Like Popeye says, "I yam what I yam."

Everything on this page I've said before, but it's unusual and sometimes forgotten, so let me gently reiterate a few of my odder "I yams."

• I don't like surprises, so please don't pop in unexpectedly at my address. It's rude, and anyway, we're not allowed visitors at the home, and the doorbell doesn't work.

• I hate the phone, and will never call unless it's an emergency. I also won't answer, since my phone neither rings nor vibrates. I've taught it to make no noises at all, ever.

• Leaving a phone message for me is a wasted effort. I check my voice mail only when I'm expecting a call, and I haven't expected a call since February.

Yes, my phone aversion is weird. It's nothing personal, though, and it's not you. It's me.

Actually, though, I do like seeing and hearing from the people I love, which includes everyone who'd conceivably be reading this.

• Emails or text messages are the best ways to reach me. I'll get back to you, I promise, next time I check my email or texts. Which might be today, might be tomorrow, might be the day after.

A few people have been offended by that, giving me lines like, "I texted you more than an hour ago!" Picture me shrugging. No offense is intended, but I'm not tethered to my phone or to the internet.

How else am I weird? Ha, let me count the ways. One of the biggest is:

• I don't want to talk about my job.

I'm an office temp, which sounds boring but is much more boring than it sounds. I work in different offices every week, sometimes different offices every day, but even though they're different offices, every office is the same, every day in every office is the same, and every conversation about every day in every office is the same.

As a certified introvert, I'd rather not waste my limited "conversation effort" on having the same conversation over and over again, so let's not talk about my work.

Instead, let's talk about what an un-American ass Donald Trump is, what a great guy Ken Butz was, your kids, my neuroses, your gout and mine, growing up in the red house that's now blue, the Mariners, the SuperSonics, that weird dry patch under my eyebrows, that new Chinese restaurant you went to, even your job — but not mine, please.